Twelve Drummers Drumming

I say! I say! I say! What's got three legs and a ***t?
A drummer's stool.

Ba

Dum




T..
Tish.*

If I had my time in bands again, I'd be a drummer.  They're the butt of all the band jokes but also the mainstay of the music.  And to be fair, they're only the butt of the jokes because it's a waste of time taking the piss out of the bass player as he won't understand and if you take the piss out of the singer, he'll just throw a hissy fit and flounce out.

When I was a kid, I wanted to play the big bass drum in a marching band?  Who didn't?  Then I wanted to be a drummer boy with a snare drum.   And then I forgot all about drumming while my parents put me through learning the recorder (didn't learn much), piano (learned less) and violin (learned nothing except that standing up throughout the violin lesson made me fart a lot).

In adulthood, I took up the saxophone - the ultimate 80s affectation -  and single-handedly made it slightly less cool.   I became moderately competent at it but my heart was never in it.   I should have been the drummer.

I say! I say! I say! How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door?
He knocks too loudly and then comes in before you're ready.*

No.  Scratch that.  I should have been the singer.  The rise in shows like X Factor, Britain's Got Talent etc. are simply because everyone wants to be a singer.  But why?

Here's why. Because being a singer is piss-easy.  The singer has no work to do beyond hold a microphone without drooling into it.  The singer can be 'difficult' and is loved because of it.  The singer can be tuneless and toothless and is still loved.  The singer can behave as badly as they can and are applauded for their showmanship.   The singer can be a **** and the public lap it up.

The life of a successful singer is pretty much a case of lounging around being a **** while people queue up to give you cash and blow-jobs.  Who wouldn't sign up for that?    I should have been a singer...

I say! I say! I say! What do you call a crass, self-regarding, vainglorious, egotistical, tuneless, tone-deaf, insensitive and very, very spawny fuck-wad who hangs round with musicians?





*Thanks to the internet for the drummer jokes.