Eight Maids a Milking

 HAPPY NEW YEAR.   

Today we're in the newsroom.  
Over to our reporter, Lizzie Swallocks, for this report from Sweden.

The little town of Crispensock, in the forests North of Stockholm is playing host to this years World Handjob Championships.  Wankers and wankees from all over the world gather in this sleepy town to compete in events such as the 2 Metre Target Spurt, the Marathon Bucket Race and the prestige event - the Synchronised Tug.

I caught up with hopeful competitors - Harry Palms and his team mate, Cindy Boobjob - who are competing in two events this year - the 50 Centilitre Sprint and the 5 Metre Skeet Squirt.

"Harry.  How are you feeling about your chances this year?"
"Well.  We've been training a lot.  For the quantity events, I've been using the Marc Almond method to ensure that I don't run dry.  We've worked hard on accuracy and I'm confident that I can spooge on a clay pigeon from 5 metres.  Cindy has been working out hard and now has forearms like Popeye's"

I  went to take a look at the Marathon Bucket Race where the English team of Russell Grant and Orville the Green Fluffy Bird were the first to cross the jizz ropes with an incredible bucket-filling time of 1hr 12min & 15 secs.   I spoke to Russell about his incredible feat.
"Russell! Great victory there.   How does it feel to be the bucket king?"
"Oh it's a lovely feeling but I couldn't have done it without Orville.  His soft green feathers have made all the difference.  I did the event four years ago with Rod Hull's Emu and had to have my cock sewn back together. And the time before that, Spit the Dog got us disqualified."


The whole town is looking forwards to the showcase event tomorrow when the Synchronised Tug takes place in the main arena.  The local team of 8 Crispensock ladies and men are planning to put on a breathtaking display that they hope will surpass their display of four years ago when they recreated the Sydney Harbour Bridge Millenium firework display, using only coloured torches, two ladders and a lot of jism.

Team leader Felatia Tugemoff spoke to us earlier. "We have been working on a new formation based on a old Busby Berkley routine - one where we get to fill the swimming pool ourselves.  We've taken our inspiration from a rotary sprinkler and a Catherine Wheel and will be tossing off the men so fast that we'll all start to rotate."

It sounds like it will be a fabulous display and one where the audience will want to take an umbrella.

All in all, it has been a great championships and everyone is hoping to be back in four years time.  But for one shamefaced contender, this has been a bad week.

Hans Handy, 42, from Germany, was hoping to get gold in the Jizz Javelin event.  However, a random doping test found that he tested positive for a massive dose of Viagra.  As well as being banned, he's now suffering from an erection that won't go away.  "It won't go down!.  I have been looking at pictures of Anne Widdecombe and Susan Boyle doing lesbo porn and it still won't go down!" he moaned.  Cheating never pays and there is no bigger badge of dishonour than travelling 1000 miles home with an orange traffic cone over your cock. 


Back to you in the studio, Hank.