My kids are growing up and we're now able to give away or sell lots of their old things. We'll keep a few things for sentimental reasons - just as soon as we've agreed that keeping a few things is not the same as keeping everything.
We're not going to miss the Fireman Sam DVDs. They're going.
For those of you without small children, Fireman Sam is an animated fireman-and-inventor who lives and works in the Welsh village of Pontypandy
Pontypandy has a population of about 15 but because they have video evidence of George Osborne being fisted by Teresa May, they get a huge wedge of government money each year. This allows them to keep a fire station with a spanking new engine and a helicopter that does fuck all except lift sheep off mountains - like some sort of luxury procurement device for a most specialist brothel.
The helicopter is flown by a token Australian. Presumably because if a traumatised sheep needs the loving touch, there's no-one better than an Australian. And I say that as an ex-Shepherd - I know a player when I see one.
Pontypandy has a population of about 15 but because they have video evidence of George Osborne being fisted by Teresa May, they get a huge wedge of government money each year. This allows them to keep a fire station with a spanking new engine and a helicopter that does fuck all except lift sheep off mountains - like some sort of luxury procurement device for a most specialist brothel.
The helicopter is flown by a token Australian. Presumably because if a traumatised sheep needs the loving touch, there's no-one better than an Australian. And I say that as an ex-Shepherd - I know a player when I see one.
The token Australian gets a bit of racial stereotyping. Fair enough. The Welsh get no racial stereotyping - despite one of them owning a pet sheep called 'Flossie' or 'Ball-licker' or something.
The full blast of racial stereotyping is reserved for Bella - the Italian proprietress of the cafe. She's-a so-a Italian-a that-a she-a can't do-a anything-a without-a bowl-a Pasta etc. etc. Poor Bella - She's can't go more than a couple of days without accidentally starting a kitchen fire and running around with her hands in the air screaming "Mama Mia!"
Other residents of Pontypandy include Norman Price - a badly-behaved ginger kid with no dad. His mother, Phylis, runs the village shop and is a put-upon single mother. She is probably having an affair with Trevor the bus driver. Norman is not the product of this affair as Trevor is Welsh-Indian and Norman is freckly-ginger. Trevor's accent is either a carefully-observed blend of the subtle pronuciation differences between Welsh and Indian spoken-English or simply any English bloke trying to do a Welsh accent and sounding a bit Indian.
The fire-station is fully-manned with Sam, Penny, Elvis and Station Officer Steele - all working full time. As this isn't enough cover for a village of 15, Trevor is also a part-time fireman.
Penny is the Pontypandy Babe - brains and beauty. Elvis is a be-quiffed village idiot who belongs in the Only Way is Newport - he's preening, stupid and could well be orange - it's an old DVD. Station Officer Steele is ex-military. He's a bit of a martinet and is likely to be into S&M - he needs no excuse to call yet another breathing-apparatus drill and slap on the old rubber gas mask.
The only other inhabitants of the village are a couple of snot-nosed kids. I understand that there are more recent arrivals to Pontypandy but I've never seen them and am not likely to as all their houses mysteriously burned down. Who'd have expected that in a village with so much fire cover...?
When the children were small, Fireman Sam wasn't the only thing they wanted to watch. They quite liked the Acid-OoomPah* experience of the Night Garden and the genuinely delightful Mr Tumble, starring toddler-god Justin Fletcher. Justin comes across as a top guy and his well-deserved MBE and BAFTAs for his work with disabled children go some way to overcoming the family shame - his father wrote songs for Cliff Richard and discovered Chris de Burgh.
The fire-station is fully-manned with Sam, Penny, Elvis and Station Officer Steele - all working full time. As this isn't enough cover for a village of 15, Trevor is also a part-time fireman.
Penny is the Pontypandy Babe - brains and beauty. Elvis is a be-quiffed village idiot who belongs in the Only Way is Newport - he's preening, stupid and could well be orange - it's an old DVD. Station Officer Steele is ex-military. He's a bit of a martinet and is likely to be into S&M - he needs no excuse to call yet another breathing-apparatus drill and slap on the old rubber gas mask.
The only other inhabitants of the village are a couple of snot-nosed kids. I understand that there are more recent arrivals to Pontypandy but I've never seen them and am not likely to as all their houses mysteriously burned down. Who'd have expected that in a village with so much fire cover...?
When the children were small, Fireman Sam wasn't the only thing they wanted to watch. They quite liked the Acid-OoomPah* experience of the Night Garden and the genuinely delightful Mr Tumble, starring toddler-god Justin Fletcher. Justin comes across as a top guy and his well-deserved MBE and BAFTAs for his work with disabled children go some way to overcoming the family shame - his father wrote songs for Cliff Richard and discovered Chris de Burgh.
Anyway, because Fireman Sam was on the telly nearly all the time, my wife and I began to almost hallucinate about Pontypandy. It got so bad that one toddler-strewn Saturday night, we played 'Shag, Marry, Cliff**' with the characters from Fireman Sam.
My wife was spoilt for choice but it wasn't that easy for me as there are only 3 women in Pontypandy. Bella can cook but she is far too prone to fly off the handle. I can and do cook so it was off the cliff with her. Penny is marriage material so that left Dilys for the shag once I had sorted out the groundrules with Trevor first. Threesome Rule 1 - Spitroast *not* Sandwich. Umm... That's it really but it is always best to get this one clear before the off.
Shag, Marry, Cliff wasn't as far as we went with Fireman Sam, though. I also 'revised' the words to the theme tune and would sing it around the house until I discovered just how good the children were getting at learning words.
Rather than lose the news words, I'd like to share them with you so that we can all have a good old singalong.
Ah 1, 2.
Ah 1, 2, 3, 4 .
Rather than lose the news words, I'd like to share them with you so that we can all have a good old singalong.
Ah 1, 2.
Ah 1, 2, 3, 4 .
When you hear the fire alarm..
Fireman Sam sleeps on his arm
Fireman Sam sleeps on his arm
If there's trouble, he'll be there
Wearing ladies underwear
<chorus - All together now!>
So move aside! Make way! (Fireman Sam)
He's a predatory gay (Fireman Sam)
And he likes to say "Whay Hay!""(Fireman Sam)
Sam is the deviant next door.
<alternative chorus for the over 6s>
And he like to wear a frock (Fireman Sam)He's a predatory gay (Fireman Sam)
And he likes to say "Whay Hay!""(Fireman Sam)
Sam is the deviant next door.
<alternative chorus for the over 6s>
And he wanks into a sock (Fireman Sam)
He puts nails through his cock (Fireman Sam)
Sam is the deviant next door.
You're not going to be able to sing the original now, are you?
*Acid-OoomPah isn't likely to the musical sensation of our age. To properly get Acid-OoomPah, you need to be listening to Bavarian brass band music whilst dropping a couple of petals from the rare Olly-Bolly-Dob-Dob flower - ideally harvested by Pontipine children, who reach the high-up flowers using an almost-sentient airship - the Pinky-Ponk - that can be milked for its juice. I shit you not.
** Shag, Marry, Cliff - Punctuation is very important here.
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