A postcard from UKIPTopia.

Dear Nigel,
I hope this finds you well.  I do hope you're not overdoing it before the election.  You're not mixing your back pills with booze again, are you?  You know what an arse you become when you do that.

Anyway, in case the the election doesn't go to plan and Richard Desmond finds out that you've spunked all his porn money election donations on Scotch and you need to leave the country in a hurry before he sends round the heavies, I've found this most amazing place where we could set up our own country and get even more EU money.  You will not believe how great this place is, Nigel.

For starters, there's no tax. It's completely tax free!!  What you earn, you keep and the government doesn't grasp it to fund luxury lives for scroungers and lefties.

There's no public transport.  No stinking buses or awful trains packed full of proles. Instead, there's cars - lots of cars.  And petrol is 10p a gallon!

All the roads are really, really wide.  A 3-lane motorway in the UK would be a back street here. Proper roads are 8 to 10 lanes in each direction.  And there's hardly any traffic lights, no pedestrian crossings and no speed limits.

Better still, women aren't allowed to drive so it's only men on the roads - going fast like only men can.  Well, they could if it weren't for the 18 hours a day of congestion.  But despite that, there are many other wonderful things here.

There's lots of police keeping beggars off the streets.  And the prisons here are really harsh with really brutal punishments and - bonus! - there's the death penalty!

The military is huge - really well-funded and lots of planes and tanks. Chemical weapons too!

It gets even better - the Royal family are in their proper place as heads of state and rulers of the country and religion is central to the country and all its laws.  No crazy Eurolaws, trendy vicars or even democracy here!

There's no gays either.  So no flooding.  In fact, the weather is great - really hot.  It's almost as if global warming isn't a made-up leftie conspiracy.

But the very best thing is that there's no racism.  There are a lot of immigrants but the locals simply know that the immigrants are all inferior races - just like we English know we're better than every other race, Nigel.  No racism - just the simple fact that one race is better than all other races.


You'd love this place, Nigel.  You really would!.  It truly is UKIP Heaven.  This country is run exactly how we'd run a country.   I think we should call it UKIPTopia. 

There is one small problem though...   UKIPTopia is currently called Saudi Arabia.

You couldn't bring some Scotch over when you come, could you?

Love to Kirsten

Nick

There now follows a party political broadcast on behalf of.... Oh I don't know!

Lots of choice for the election.  Mostly shite ones.   But voting is a hard-won right and so we should exercise that right.   Here's a quick overview of some of the parties competing to tell us what we should do.

Conservatives
Some of my dearest friends are Tories.  My friends are genuinely lovely people - kind, considerate, thoughtful and empathic.  They really are most unlikely supporters of the sociopathic, dishonest and thoroughly nasty modern Conservative party.   Why is that?

I can only assume that they were indoctrinated at an early age by their parents.  Maybe they were told 'Reds under the bed' scare stories where children who stepped on cracks in the pavement were eaten by Socialists and children who poked out their tongues had their tongues cut off by Marxists.  Or maybe they watched doctored episodes of Scooby Doo, where the unmasked villain was Tony Benn, who spluttered "I'd have got away with 98% income tax if it wasn't for you dratted kids!"

The Tories claim to have got the economy back on it's feet again.  They say they have given us growth far in excess of that which we had under Labour.   Well... they haven't really.  Growth when Labour left office?  1%   Growth in the first quarter of 2015?  0.3%.   http://www.tradingeconomics.com/united-kingdom/gdp-growth
Piss-poor effort George.  I suspect that the economy is improving despite you rather than because of you.

Luckily, the Tories rescued the country from bankruptcy...  ...by losing our AAA rating and borrowing more in 5 years than Labour did in the previous 13 years. Plus the UK was never under any threat of bankruptcy.   The Tories attempt to compare the UK to Greece only rings true if they mean that lots of people get away without paying taxes.  But at least under the Tories, the super-rich have got richer.  Thank goodness for that.

Away from the economy, they've not covered themselves in glory either.  In no particular order and certainly an incomplete roll-call of c***iness, we have fewer police and soldiers; lots of money spunked on an NHS re-organisation that they promised not to do; Harriers sold to the US; the disabled, prisoners, the sick and the unemployed dehumanised and demonised; legal aid destroyed; Murdoch ceaselessly fellated and Ian Duncan Smith given responsibility for brutalising the needy.

Responsibility for anything greater than making tea is a responsibility too far for this man.  He'd probably even fuck up the tea by refusing to accept the evidence that he hadn't put in a tea bag and instead choosing to believe his feeling that he did put in the tea-bag and that he is producing excellent tea and at only £40 million a cup.  All the while slagging off those on benefits whilst gorging on the taxpayer's teat.  ****.

The greater of two evils?  By far.

 Labour
 We seem to have lost 'New Labour'.  Good.  They were cock-awful.   Illegal war anyone?  What about some PFI?

Margaret Thatcher said that New Labour were her greatest achievement.  And she was right.  New Labour were little more than 'Tory Lite'.

According to the re-writing of recent history, the credit crunch and resultant economic crash was caused by an omnipresent Gordon Brown, bestriding the globe and smashing economy after economy with a dour swipe of his gloomy fist.  None of it was caused by bankers and estate agents.  Nope.  Not at all.

The economy was fucked by estate agents selling houses to people who couldn't afford them and by mortgage companies evicting the defaulters and rendering the house and hence the loans worthless.  The bankers were complicit and very easy to blame.   And some really did get blamed - if not punished.  But some got off scot-free.  I'm looking at you Viscount Ridley.  You took over steady, stable Northern Rock and turned it into a batshit-crazy Hogarthian lending-orgy.  When it all went to tits, the country picked up the tab.  Your punishment ?  A seat in the House of Lords.  Let that be a lesson to you...

Anyway, back to Labour.  Led by a man known as 'the wrong brother'.  But as the other brother was a Tony Blair clone, I'm pretty sure they got the right brother.  I knew or cared little about him until I read this .  If you can't be arsed to read the link, it tells of how the young Milliband was the human face of the notoriously foul-mouthed Brown camp -  the only one that anyone from the Blair camp could communicate with.  Anyone known as "The Ambassador From Planet Fuck" has to have something about them - and not just a world-class porn name.   It's such a good porn name that should he lose the election, he could take up porn.  Would probably have to work on the bacon sandwich technique though.

All the mainstream media depictions of Milliband focus on his geekiness.  Honestly, he's such a spod that any school bully would make mincemeat of him.  A school bully like David Cameron, who refuses to debate with Milliband.  Or a school bully like Boris Johnson who was so rattled by Milliband the other day that he was huffing and puffing and bouncing up and down like a giant fluffy chick in a too-tight suit.

Milliband comes across surprisingly well but the rest of his party are pretty disappointing.  Ed Balls FFS.  Trident?  HS2?  More fucking austerity?  And their transport spokesman is so pro-car that he makes engine noises when he's not gobshiting some delusional-paranoid nonsense about the war on motorists.

Lesser of two evils?  Barely.

UKIP
Ah... UKIP.  The People's Army.  I watched the program 'Meet the Kippers' and was struck by what they all had in common -  access to some of the shittest barbers in creation.  These people's appearance would be improved by a Pat Sharp mullet - that's how bad their hair was.

But it is wrong to judge people on their appearance and so I listened to what they had to say.  Christ on a bike!  Their hair is far more reasonable and thoughtful than the odd fuckers underneath the hair.  I wonder what part of "Here's a camera.  Whatever you say will be recorded." was hard for them to grasp?

Are UKIP racist?  Well... A bit.  But they're not full-on racists and so it would be wrong to compare the People's Army to Blackshirts or even Brownshirts.    As they're nearly all over 50, perhaps it would be better to call them "The Beige Trousers"

The foot-soldiers of the Beige Trousers have more in common than just home-made haircuts.  They're nearly all of a generation when this country was rich, had an empire and exported goods and expertise to all corners of the world.  The Beige Trousers were young during the times of "You've never had it so good!" The Beige Trousers were around for the Summer of Love, sexual liberation and full employment.  They were - en masse - born with a silver spoon in their mouths. But they fucked it up.  They fucked up their lives and became embittered, late-middle-aged economic roadkill.   And no way will they accept that it might be their fault.  No.  It's the fault of the leftists and the foreigners and the EU and the cyclists and anyone else they don't like. 

UKIP have a point about the EU being dysfunctional.  But throwing toys out of the pram is not the way to resolve it.  We're British and we are perfectly capable of influencing and shaping things to suit us.  Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall was able to change EU fisheries policy to reduce discards.  Nigel Farage was not able to anything even though he was on the Fisheries Committee for 3 years.  Although to be fair, he only turned up to one meeting and that was probably a mistake.  He got paid for all the meetings though.

Neither of the two evils.  Just very unattractive in every way.

Greens
The only party outside Scotland with progressive policies.  And a dreadful Australian accent leading them.  Any member of the Greens can contribute to policy and all policies are voted upon.  This gives some great policies and some barking mad ones.  But at least the policies are determined by the members and not by the Unions or - far worse - by Rupert Murdoch.

Brighton is held up as an example of how bad things would be if the Greens were in charge.  But the Greens in Brighton are in minority control and have to put up with the unedifying politicking of the Tories and Labour working together to undermine the Greens at every opportunity. ****s.

I quite like the Greens - they're refreshing and have this odd idea that a government should serve the people of a country rather than the elite few.


Not evil.  Probably not very effective but not evil.



So that pretty much sums up the parties competing for the election.


Although I have a vague feeling that I may have missed one out though...   Um...   I have...  How could I forget them?

Lib Dems
I can't decide what to think about the Lib Dems.   Are they the beaten spouses in a very abusive 5-year marriage?  Or Quislings in sandals?

Discuss.  

Fireman Sam

My kids are growing up and we're now able to give away or sell lots of their old things.  We'll keep a few things for sentimental reasons - just as soon as we've agreed that keeping a few things is not the same as keeping everything.
 

We're not going to miss the Fireman Sam DVDs.  They're going.

For those of you without small children, Fireman Sam is an animated fireman-and-inventor who lives and works in the Welsh village of Pontypandy

Pontypandy has a population of about 15 but because they have video evidence of George Osborne being fisted by Teresa May, they get a huge wedge of government money each year.  This allows them to keep a fire station with a spanking new engine and a helicopter that does fuck all except lift sheep off mountains - like some sort of luxury procurement device for a most specialist brothel.

The helicopter is flown by a token Australian.  Presumably because if a traumatised sheep needs the loving touch, there's no-one better than an Australian.   And I say that as an ex-Shepherd - I know a player when I see one.
 

The token Australian gets a bit of racial stereotyping.  Fair enough.  The Welsh get no racial stereotyping - despite one of them owning a pet sheep called 'Flossie' or 'Ball-licker' or something.
 

The full blast of racial stereotyping is reserved for Bella - the Italian proprietress of the cafe.  She's-a so-a Italian-a that-a she-a can't do-a anything-a without-a bowl-a Pasta etc. etc.    Poor Bella - She's can't go more than a couple of days without accidentally starting a kitchen fire and running around with her hands in the air screaming "Mama Mia!"
 

Other residents of Pontypandy include Norman Price - a badly-behaved ginger kid with no dad.  His mother, Phylis, runs the village shop and is a put-upon single mother. She is probably having an affair with Trevor the bus driver.  Norman is not the product of this affair as Trevor is Welsh-Indian and Norman is freckly-ginger.  Trevor's accent is either a carefully-observed blend of the subtle pronuciation differences between Welsh and Indian spoken-English or simply any English bloke trying to do a Welsh accent and sounding a bit Indian. 

The fire-station is fully-manned with Sam, Penny, Elvis and Station Officer Steele -  all working full time.  As this isn't enough cover for a village of 15, Trevor is also a part-time fireman.

Penny is the Pontypandy Babe -  brains and beauty.   Elvis is a be-quiffed village idiot who belongs in the Only Way is Newport - he's preening, stupid and could well be orange - it's an old DVD.   Station Officer Steele is ex-military.  He's a bit of a martinet and is likely to be into S&M - he needs no excuse to call yet another breathing-apparatus drill and slap on the old rubber gas mask.

The only other inhabitants of the village are a couple of snot-nosed kids.  I understand that there are more recent arrivals to Pontypandy but I've never seen them and am not likely to as all their houses mysteriously burned down.  Who'd have expected that in a village with so much fire cover...?


When the children were small, Fireman Sam wasn't the only thing they wanted to watch. They quite liked the Acid-OoomPah* experience of the Night Garden and the genuinely delightful Mr Tumble, starring toddler-god Justin Fletcher.  Justin comes across as a top guy and his well-deserved MBE and BAFTAs for his work with disabled children go some way to overcoming the family shame -  his father wrote songs for Cliff Richard and discovered Chris de Burgh.  

Anyway, because Fireman Sam was on the telly nearly all the time, my wife and I began to almost hallucinate about Pontypandy.  It got so bad that one toddler-strewn Saturday night, we played 'Shag, Marry, Cliff**' with the characters from Fireman Sam.
 

My wife was spoilt for choice but it wasn't that easy for me as there are only 3 women in Pontypandy.  Bella can cook but she is far too prone to fly off the handle.  I can and do cook so it was off the cliff with her.  Penny is marriage material so that left Dilys for the shag once I had sorted out the groundrules with Trevor first.  Threesome Rule 1 - Spitroast *not* Sandwich. Umm... That's it really but it is always best to get this one clear before the off.

Shag, Marry, Cliff wasn't as far as we went with Fireman Sam, though.  I also 'revised' the words to the theme tune and would sing it around the house until I discovered just how good the children were getting at learning words.

Rather than lose the news words, I'd like to share them with you so that we can all have a good old singalong.

Ah 1, 2.
Ah 1, 2, 3, 4 . 

When you hear the fire alarm..
Fireman Sam sleeps on his arm

If there's trouble, he'll be there
Wearing ladies underwear

<chorus -  All together now!>

So move aside! Make way! (Fireman Sam)
He's a predatory gay (Fireman Sam)
And he likes to say "Whay Hay!""(Fireman Sam)
Sam is the deviant next door.

<alternative chorus for the over 6s>

And he like to wear a frock (Fireman Sam)
And he wanks into a sock (Fireman Sam)
He puts nails through his cock (Fireman Sam)
Sam is the deviant next door.
 

You're not going to be able to sing the original now, are you?

*Acid-OoomPah isn't likely to the musical sensation of our age.  To properly get Acid-OoomPah, you need to be listening to Bavarian brass band music whilst dropping a couple of petals from the rare Olly-Bolly-Dob-Dob flower - ideally harvested by Pontipine children, who reach the high-up flowers using an almost-sentient airship - the Pinky-Ponk  - that can be milked for its juice.  I shit you not.

** Shag, Marry, Cliff - Punctuation is very important here.