A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Andy Partridge out of XTC is not only a fine musician and one of Swindon's most famous sons, he is also a visionary legislator.

According to a recent-ish interview, when he was recording in the studio with XTC, he enforced a rule that should be put onto the law books of every country.  

The rule was simple, elegant and enabled the calm defusing of any stressful situation.    Over to Andy for an quick explanation.
I’d be ordering people around, saying, “Look, come on, can we do another take, let’s try this again.” There’d be lots of muttering under the breath of the band, you know. I guess I got into the bandleader role a little bit stronger on that album than on previous albums. But I thought to lighten the mood…we’d always had loads of porn mags around the studio, so I cut out a particularly well-photographed close-up of a pudenda and made a real sort of Russian commissar’s peaked cap and stuck that where the badge should be on the front. And we had this hat on the mixing desk, and if I suggested or if anybody suggested anything that was a little dictatorial, everyone would point to the hat, and they had to go and put on the Colonel C**t hat.

(I think that as Andy said it, I'm not required to put a quid in the tin.)

What a cracking law that would be, though.  Every time anyone gets above themselves and starts acting like a dick, they'd be forced to wear the Colonel hat.

The whole of Parliament would have to wear them - except for Michael Gove, who'd instead have Grant Shapps sitting on his face.  That'd make Liam Fox soooo jealous.

Every Manchester Utd fan, Chelsea fan, Man City fan  - would have Colonel hats plonked to their heads until they promised to shut up about their glory-seeking 'supporterdom'.  "I supported them when they got relegated"  Did you bollocks - you supported Liverpool for a while instead.   What is it with supporting successful but far off teams?  I feel sorry for these fans - growing up having to support Man Utd because their parents couldn't afford a map and a ruler.  Find your closest team - support them.  And do it quietly unless you want a hat.

For drivers of those ridiculous 'Max Power - Min Penis' street cars -  where the seats are lowered for the ultimate in shortarse chic - where the exhaust pipes are enlarged for the subliminal message that they like back-door action - (have I done that one before?) - these fuckers would have the Colonel hats glued on so that when they try to turn them around to wear backwards, all their shitty over-gelled hair would be ripped off.  Maybe not quite Vlad the Impaler - more Vlad the Super Gluer. 

Golfers - a bunch of badly-dressed ****s in a field - Colonel hat.

This list is endless.

It's Christmas - who would you give a Colonel hat to?