This one has been kicking around for a while - since I first heard about The Only Way Is Essex in fact.
Funny place, Essex. My Mum was born and brought up there. Her Essex was a 1930s 1940s Essex of pin-striped & bowler-hatted commuters, evacuation, raising rabbits for the pot and generally living in a Miss Marple story without the murders and the hats.
After the war, Essex filled up with bombed-out East Enders. Suddenly the bucolic Essex countryside was filled with knacker-tweaking* Arsenal and West Ham fans, settling all over the place and bringing with their Cockney ways - jellied eels, rhyming slang and traditional Pearly King and Queen suits with matching white stilettos.
The great-grandchildren of these settlers have become adults and are making their way in the world. Only it seems that their world is quite small and for a 'select' group of them, is focused on strangely quiet nightclubs in Dagenham or wherever the hell TOWIE is set.
I'm not going to bang on about TOWIE - it's been done to death and every place has more than its share of orange-painted, self-obsessed, post-lobotomistic retards. But what TOWIE has given us is something unique and creative - the Vajazzle.
The Vajazzle is genuinely delightful idea - body jewellery that aims to brighten up the rather barren plains left after a full Hollywood. Less painful than piercings and less Paul Daniels than a merkin, the Vajazzle sounds lovely. Have I ever seen one? No. Am I likely to? Well, the kids have got some stick-on plastic jewels in an art set...
Quite literally on the other side of the Vajazzle is the base-of-spine tattoo - rather cruelly called the slag tag. Like the Vajazzle, these could be things of beauty. However, all too often they're poorly presented - peeking out from behind an over-stressed G-string - itself like a rubber band stretched round a sponge - or standing out like a warning sign above a crack of doom that would be the envy of any builder. Mind The Gap.
What is less well known is that the very best base-of-the-spine tattoos have some subtle cleverness to them. Remember the Magic Eye pictures from the 90s? When you get your eyes exactly the right distance away, a 3D pattern leaps out at you. Remember? Well... the very best of these tattoos have a magic eye effect - get your head in the right place and you'll see a magnificent 3D pattern. And that's not all. No... There's more. The very, very best of these tattoos are set up so that when you can see the 3D pattern, you're in exactly the right position for the optimum angle of approach for anal sex. This is *exactly* the same technique that is used in airports around the world to guide planes in to land.
Meanwhile, round the front, there are improvements that could be made to the already near-perfect Vajazzle.
The Vajangle (TM) - very similar to the Vajazzle except instead of jewels, it features a pair of minature cow bells. Perfect for helping find you way in the dark. The downside is that it'll sound a little like you're humping Father Xmas.
The Vajingle (TM) Do you remember those noisy greetings cards? The ones that, when you opened them, Cliff Richard sang 'Congratulations' in a tinny voice? Combine one of these devices with Vajzzles and the music on your iPhone and you have the Vajingle - On hand (well... on fanny) at any time to provide the ideal "Vajanthem(TM)" for every occasion. As soon as the legs are opened, the Vajingle is activated and the music starts. There may be a need to sort out the sound to counter the echoes but fundamentally, it's a great idea.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend using the Cliff Richard jingle. Unless it was used as some sort of contraception / chastity belt device.
Christmas is coming - get your Vajingles while you can. They're going to sell out quick.
*Knacker Tweaking. Watch anyone born and brought up in the East London / Essex area and you'll notice that every few minutes they'll give the old boy a little tweak, just to make sure it's still there. This habit dates back to the Middle Ages when thievery in olde London was so rife that even the family jewels could be stolen. Cockneys even now have to habitually check every few minutes to make sure that no-one has stolen the meat and two veg. It used to be said that you could tell what part of London a man came from just be observing how he checks his package. Chaucer wrote of the "dubbled bollok lifte of the Vagabondes of Hockley-in-the-Hole" and later, Shakespeare makes a passing reference in the Merry Wives of Windsor to Bardolph's "sinister shifting" of his "pizzle". This pretty clearly alludes to the brushing the front of the old chap with the knuckles of the left hand, a technique peculiar to 15th century Spitalfields.
In the 21st century Essex, the style have curiously adapted to the place names - perhaps deliberately or by co-incidence - no-one knows. In Clacton, they bang them together while holding the penis (like crap 70s toy Clackers) . In Maldon, they mould 'em (never said it was going to be funny - that's both the local style and local humour). The technique in Dagenham frankly looks painful whereas in Billericay, it is a gentle testicle/hand ballet that is a joy to watch.
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