Swearing is big and clever. Swearing has been my hobby for years. Swearing has probably ruined a few things but it has also helped my career. My years spent working all over Europe were a result of my ability to teach all the definitions of 'bollocks' to non-English speakers - willing and keen to learn how to speak English like the English do. I think I was supposed to be there to do something with computers but I was always asked back. "Send us the English guy who talks about wanking - he doesn't know shit about IT but we need him to teach us the difference between 'bollocks' and 'the bollocks'!"
I travel a lot less now. I rarely get to meet delightful, educated Europeans who are hungry to learn about the 1001 words for nadgers, the dangers of sheep jokes* and the Cock Words Vowel Hierarchy(copyright)**. These days, I just get to meet Americans, who are all very nice but really haven't got a good grip on their bollocks.
So perhaps it is time to cut back on the swearing. After all, I have young children. Luckily (for me), I've been able to keep a civil tongue in my head most of the time. They've not been entirely protected. On holiday a while ago, my six-year old daughter asked "Are we going on the bloody fucking cable-car? That's what Mummy calls it."
So I'm resolving to no longer use the C word. This is a sacrifice. It is one of my favourite words. It's a word I use to describe my mates - frankly, for some of my mates, it is the only suitable word. It has a thousand uses but all of them now seem rather too vulgar. I think the problem is that I don't like it when I hear other people use it. It's a bit like farts - my own farts are lovely but other peoples farts are awful - there are fart molecules up my nose that only a few seconds ago were up their arses. Gick!
So from now on, I'm resolving to no longer inflict the C-word on an innocent world. If you hear me use the C-word, please bring it to my attention and I will donate a quid to the nearest charity tin. I suppose I should solemnly swear but I suspect that'll see the first quid in the tin.
There will of course be exceptions. I reserve the right the use the C-word in the following circumstances:
1. Any conversation involving Michael Gove. For the non-British readers, Michael Gove is the Schools Minister. Think of the sneaky, weaselly kid at school who would grass up anyone and had to be protected by the teacher. No imagine that kid grown up, owning the school and spending his time humiliating the teacher before sacking them. Only worse. For Gove, the C-word stays.
2. Reciting the words to the Alexei Sayle's 1984 hit "'Ullo John, Got a new motor?" Part IV The Mr Sweary Re-mix. (Opening line "F**k-C**t! F**k-C**t! F**k-C**t! F**k-C**t C**t Piss Bollocks Wank Shit!)
3. Taking ownership of a parrot. It's the law to teach a parrot to scream the C-Word.
4. Grey squirrels. The next post in this blog will have the details as to why these fluffy ****s are such fluffy ****s.
5. Drunkenly and pretentiously misquoting Shakespeare. "We few, We happy few. We bunch of ****s."
That should be enough caveats to let me use the C-Word on special occasions. In any other circumstances, pick me up on it. I thank you for your support.
*The Dangers of Sheep Jokes - I was a shepherd (true). I've heard them all. I've even tried most of them. Some of them are not physically possible and I hurt myself trying them out. That one about wellies is a dangerous myth - sheep feet really hurt my instep if they're in my wellies. And the one about them pushing back on a cliff edge is lethal (and doesn't really work - even if it does feel a bit like the rural version of a Stephen Milligan / Michael Hutchence hotel stay)
**Cock Word Vowel Hierarchy. As far as I can tell, I've invented this using the vowels 'i','a','o' and 'u'. The scale is as follows:
Tidger - Small
Tadger - Getting bigger
Todger - Healthy size
Tudger - HUGE!
Plainly there should be no 'tedger' as this is an obselete Victorian farming implement.
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