I hope this finds you well. I do hope you're not overdoing it before the election. You're not mixing your back pills with booze again, are you? You know what an arse you become when you do that.
Anyway, in case the the election doesn't go to plan and Richard Desmond finds out that you've spunked all his
For starters, there's no tax. It's completely tax free!! What you earn, you keep and the government doesn't grasp it to fund luxury lives for scroungers and lefties.
There's no public transport. No stinking buses or awful trains packed full of proles. Instead, there's cars - lots of cars. And petrol is 10p a gallon!
All the roads are really, really wide. A 3-lane motorway in the UK would be a back street here. Proper roads are 8 to 10 lanes in each direction. And there's hardly any traffic lights, no pedestrian crossings and no speed limits.
Better still, women aren't allowed to drive so it's only men on the roads - going fast like only men can. Well, they could if it weren't for the 18 hours a day of congestion. But despite that, there are many other wonderful things here.
There's lots of police keeping beggars off the streets. And the prisons here are really harsh with really brutal punishments and - bonus! - there's the death penalty!
The military is huge - really well-funded and lots of planes and tanks. Chemical weapons too!
It gets even better - the Royal family are in their proper place as heads of state and rulers of the country and religion is central to the country and all its laws. No crazy Eurolaws, trendy vicars or even democracy here!
There's no gays either. So no flooding. In fact, the weather is great - really hot. It's almost as if global warming isn't a made-up leftie conspiracy.
But the very best thing is that there's no racism. There are a lot of immigrants but the locals simply know that the immigrants are all inferior races - just like we English know we're better than every other race, Nigel. No racism - just the simple fact that one race is better than all other races.
You'd love this place, Nigel. You really would!. It truly is UKIP Heaven. This country is run exactly how we'd run a country. I think we should call it UKIPTopia.
There is one small problem though... UKIPTopia is currently called Saudi Arabia.
You couldn't bring some Scotch over when you come, could you?
Love to Kirsten
Nick
